Pagbabago

I have lots of my life experiences to tell and got my own interpretations, but I just noticed, that my interpretation is always consistent for being inconsistent. The meanings of my significant experiences are continuously changing as my life goes on. I think seeking the meaning of life is gonna be a lifelong process, and its fulfilled meaning will be only found when the time comes of experiencing our very own death. But what makes me wonder, that this simple gift called “Wisdom” had gave my “Life experience” go beyond to what my consciousness dictates. Actually the moment I decided to join in the blog contest sponsored by Goldilocks about the biggest change in my life to be entitled: “Pagbabago”, I found myself seeing a “scarred soul” communicating directly to myself, listening to what I am not saying while my heart starting to translate these unspoken words as my very own words… and that is what I think called “reflection.” Now I see, how difficult to do this blog as I need not only to tell my life stories but rather letting my soul talking.

September 8, 2008- Birthday of Mama Mary (if I’m not mistaken hehehe), I had my most unforgettable experience. My mom was rushed to the Hospital because of dizziness and slurring of words. I wasn’t worried for her condition coz I believe that she just had high blood pressure which I suspect “180-over-acting.” But it was no joke when we found her in the Hospital almost dying from stroke, Yes it was the underestimated stroke that almost killed or might paralyzed my mom if not addressed seriously. The doctor told us to look for another hospital co’z they can’t accommodate patient with that condition. It was twelve midnight, had heavy rain outside; the flood still not subsided, no vehicles passing through on our way, my phone was left in the house, and damn! What a dramatic scene that I just got only 200 pesos in my pocket. I’m waiting someone will shout “Cut!” maybe from the Director of this freaking drama. But God remained mute from all the shouts of my soul asking for help. I even ask the help of Mary Help of Christians which I realized it was redundant. Fast forward the scenes, we’re inside the taxi looking for hospitals, when my Mom spoke once again, but this time I never heard words about her headache but this time words of goodbyes and farewell. She’s in tears telling me she can’t stand it anymore, she asked me to help and support my older brother’s family until they become stable and to guide my younger sister to become independent. I was about to answer her when the driver stopped and says “Andito na tayo!”. Holy Crap! That’s Manila Doctors Hospital! I was impressed by the driver’s estimation of our financial capacity, to think that I got only 200 pesos, enough to pay our taxi’s fare, and yet the driver managed to intensify my worries. I was forced to push the wheelchair entering to the emergency room and talk to the nurse. They told me that they don’t accept “transferee patient” even if endorsed by the previous doctor who did preliminary examination. I was shocked from that statement that I was about to explode, but the only word that emitted from my mouth was the word “Bullshit!” (Sorry for the word) Blimey! I got the attention of all people in the emergency room, and a beautiful nurse came into rush and get me an admission form to fill.

Should I interpret the immediate meaning of this experience? Should I need to find God from every detail of that experience? My answer will not found in the direct contact of the situations I told you, but rather be found in condition of my “anguishing soul” during that time. Yes I was praying to the intercession of all the saints I known in heaven, My soul even cry more than a decade of rosary while seeing my mother in deep pain, I was telling the holy men and women that God is enjoying this guessing game which I really hate in my whole life. During that time I was about to explode not because of being pissed off but rather my soul is overwhelmed with hopelessness. My wisdom wasn’t able to mediate during that time to heal some questions keep on stubbing my very own being. I sat down near to my mom as I saw her hand with a rosary. Damn! She managed to pray from both spiritual and physical pain. I realized that I was not the only soul who agonizes, my mom did also, and other people inside the emergency room had the same feeling. It was 3:00 A.M. when I saw my mom sleeping at ease together with other patients. I found everyone was at peace. I opened my mom’s bag, and saw a Goldilocks Cheesy Ensaymada, I just realized that I did not took dinner, It was a God’s sign for me that He is really caring for me, I was teary on eating the ensaymada of my mom (Which supposedly her provision in her work). On that moment, the simple bread of Ensaymada changed my life perspective on pain and suffering, I never thought that this Ensaymada can be a channel of grace to change myself (Thanks to Goldilocks). I went outside the Hospital to breathe some air, the rain already stopped, everything was quiet, the battle within my soul subsided and it validates that everything was perfectly under control. I was a child with little faith asking God for help. I missed to trust Him that he is in control of everything. It was ironic that a still small voice telling me: “don’t be afraid everything is under my control.” I’m not sure if I got the right meaning for this experience, but I am assured that something new had born within from this painful experience. I just need to nurture this little seed that somehow will be strong as I grow. In order for me to know Him better I should keep in touch …with my very soul… with our relationship… and to this little seed called: faith… Right now, I always visit the Goldilocks branch in Tutuban and I noticed that it change as time goes by, but there is one thing has never change, Its meaning and purpose in my Life. Thanks Goldilocks for being part of my journey.